mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
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Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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