There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
