If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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