i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
