I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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