i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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