I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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