Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
