The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
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Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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