I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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