He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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