apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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