If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
