i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
