you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
