Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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