U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Randomize
