I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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