That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
