wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
