ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
