Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Your cock deserves a montage
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just pee around me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
