1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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