I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
