I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
