Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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