Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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