Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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