just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
