When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
