my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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