I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
