She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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