im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
