i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
