mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
