I learned to sign I want to be on you today
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Deaf chicks here I come
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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