awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
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Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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