I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
