I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
