If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
