i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Your penis caused this!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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