is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
