I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How does one acquire holy water?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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