He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
