so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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