so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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