I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
