I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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