Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
