i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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