break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize