i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
