roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
