mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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