While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
