omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i love accidental penises.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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