That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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