I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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