careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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